....i wonder if this is what love feels like? i wish somebody would write a love for dummies...and let me know that this could be, in fact....love that im feeling.
some days are better than others....but its not like we have a lot of issues anymore.
some days i have my doubts for seconds...then beat myself for even thinking like that.
am i happy? what is happiness? how do i achieve it?
sometimes i wonder what things would be like today if i had made different choices in the past. i wish my life was like one of those choose your fate goosebumps books by r.l. stein and that i could cheat and look back and see what would have happened if i decided to call someone for help instead of going into the basement in search of some fearsome monster.
i wish things were that easy...but i know theyre not...nor will they ever be....but it would be neat.
i also wish someone would let me know what the fuck im supposed to do with my life...what im going to amount to...things i cant possibly fathom on my own. i mean yes, you can in some parts control your fate....but i think theres a map for everyone....you just have to find the path. maybe if i knew the 3 different endings to my own choose your fate novel id have a sound mind and go about my way trying to achieve the best possible ending. but would that be too easy?
i know one day im going to be something. something amazing. not necessarily madonna amazing. but amazing on my own level...an amazing that will keep me content with my life and my self. but when? how much longer is it going to take me? who can i trust to help me get to where i need to go? where the fuck do i even NEED to go?
i cant even listen to myself. or my heart. everything is clouded. my insides feel like a shitty new york club with too much black paint, stains, and smoke. id like to learn to trust my instincts and do what feels right....but clearly i cant due to club black, stained, and smokey.
have i ever done the right thing? made that one tiny right decision to set off a whirlwind of smaller decisions, as equally important...but far more difficult?
its no secret that i fear the future....but its a new revelation to me....that i fear the past as well.
im big on the what ifs. what if peter leaves me? what if i loose everything? what if i die? I wish i could erase those two words from my vocabulary indefinitely. i think i could maybe exit my shitty new york club and start figuring things out.
...if only i could figure out how to banish 'what if'.
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