Geraldine

When your sparkle evades your soul

I'll be at your side to console

When your standing on the window ledge

I'll talk you back from the edge

I will turn your tide

Be your shepard and your guide

When your lost in the deep and darkest place around

May my words walk you home safe and sound

When you say that I'm no good and you feel like walking

I need to make sure you know thats just the Prescription talking

When your feet decide to walk you on the wayward side

Up upon the stairs and down the downward slide

I will, I will turn your tide

Do all that I can to heal you inside

I'll be the angel on your shoulder

My name is Geraldine, I'm your social worker

I see you need me

I know you do

arc is the outlet of the insane mind

....i wonder if this is what love feels like? i wish somebody would write a love for dummies...and let me know that this could be, in fact....love that im feeling.

some days are better than others....but its not like we have a lot of issues anymore.

some days i have my doubts for seconds...then beat myself for even thinking like that.

am i happy? what is happiness? how do i achieve it?

sometimes i wonder what things would be like today if i had made different choices in the past. i wish my life was like one of those choose your fate goosebumps books by r.l. stein and that i could cheat and look back and see what would have happened if i decided to call someone for help instead of going into the basement in search of some fearsome monster.

i wish things were that easy...but i know theyre not...nor will they ever be....but it would be neat.

i also wish someone would let me know what the fuck im supposed to do with my life...what im going to amount to...things i cant possibly fathom on my own. i mean yes, you can in some parts control your fate....but i think theres a map for everyone....you just have to find the path. maybe if i knew the 3 different endings to my own choose your fate novel id have a sound mind and go about my way trying to achieve the best possible ending. but would that be too easy?

i know one day im going to be something. something amazing. not necessarily madonna amazing. but amazing on my own level...an amazing that will keep me content with my life and my self. but when? how much longer is it going to take me? who can i trust to help me get to where i need to go? where the fuck do i even NEED to go?

i cant even listen to myself. or my heart. everything is clouded. my insides feel like a shitty new york club with too much black paint, stains, and smoke. id like to learn to trust my instincts and do what feels right....but clearly i cant due to club black, stained, and smokey.

have i ever done the right thing? made that one tiny right decision to set off a whirlwind of smaller decisions, as equally important...but far more difficult?

its no secret that i fear the future....but its a new revelation to me....that i fear the past as well.

im big on the what ifs. what if peter leaves me? what if i loose everything? what if i die? I wish i could erase those two words from my vocabulary indefinitely. i think i could maybe exit my shitty new york club and start figuring things out.

...if only i could figure out how to banish 'what if'.

runaway bride

this is what it must feel like to have 'cold feet'.

i have a terrible unsettling feeling in my stomach, and its not from the disgustingly over-topped bacon cheese steak and fried mozzarella i downed earlier.

the reviews are in. and my new apartment building is shitty. its old, it has charm. and it also has intruding management, and workers. Seriously though, that doesn't sit well with me. I feel like I'm setting myself up for some sort of rape scene. Its like...i know someone will barge into my apartment and possibly rape me, but i don't know when...and though i have knowledge of said rape scene...i still allow myself to move in and wait kindly to be raped.

I have nice things, and i don't want trash fondling my shoes, purses, or downloading scat porn when I'm not home.

I'm having second thoughts, and its far too late.

current obsession

doing my nails in funny animal prints. I do them myself because the nail lady at my salon this 'zebra' means random terrible squiggles. I seriously threw up a little when she did my other hand. I totally poured acetone on that hand and got rid of that shit.

Anyways, current nails...top photo: cheetah. Before that was tiger...that photo is of the bad hand, the other hand looked a lot better, and then zebra was before that...my personal favorite. But I don't know, white nails...I wasn't feeling it. It looked odd.

everybody here is popping pills

So. Buttons.

life is throwing me so many curve balls right now. and lets be real...tranny doesn't like baseball.

I wish my mom had robbed a bank when she was younger...and got away with it..and invested her stolen money into something...something people invest their stolen money into and create more money? Russian Mafia stock?

well wait...who am I kidding, shed totally not give me any stolen cash and or invested Russian mafia cash...shes totally like that. but whatever. meh.

i have a closet full of designer clothes, shoes, purses, a wonderful fiance-ish, and an uber rad family...ish and I'm still not satisfied. I don't understand myself sometimes. I really would like to know what its going to take to make myself satisfied. I assume the answer involves millions of dollars. Millions owned and millions spent.

I really want to be in like a band or something. I love going to shows...watching the artists get into is so cool...the rush they must feel has to be amazing. Maybe even better than meth. So I need to get my hands on said rush...because drugs are boring. I think I might actually be satisfied if I was in a kick ass band. I don't need to be the head. I can like...rock out on a bass...and totally manage to snag as much spotlight as needed because lets be real, its me. ME. I always get what I want. That sounds really shitty...but its totally true. I strive for what I want...believe it or not...and most of the time, I win. I like to win.

id only be in the band if we were called like...the Raybanettes or the Little Rascals...i like those two and those two alone...for now. I imagine the sound would be like something crazy peaches meets be your own pet topped off with a little placebo. and ta da, you have a tranny band. Minus the tranny. because lets make one thing clear....my dick will never be inverted into my groins. its very convenient to be able to pee anywhere I want.

so petey and I applied for this killer apt in glover park...which is like the weirdest place ever. Its like a little mini city but kind of suburb area. right above georgetown. so i can go window shopping on my days off - DANGEROUS. but I'm excited. pray for us? I get THE call tuesday. so nervous. If this doesn't work out, we're going to find a sublet for the time being....fuck my life.

posting a blog with apt photos....I've been sitting here for 10 minutes waiting for the photos to upload...I don't have time for this shit, hah.

now im going to juvie for teenage homicide

Doesn't matter anyway, cuz I've got a brand new friend, okay
Me and her, we'll kick your ass,
we'll wait with knives after class!

Boring.

marijuana, cocaine, heroin....boring.

So I fell in love with the Pierces a year ago. And yeah. The song 'Boring' makes me happy.

blah blah blah. So much is going on. So much good, so much bad...so much STUPIDITY.

I want to run away...throw Petey in my purse and run somewhere...hes totally short enough.

Galliano, Donatella, Dolce and Gabbana...boring

Life is such a chore.

duh

I feel like a lot of people are taking me for granted.

I may be the witness to a huge huge potentially gigantic scandalous scam right now...but everyone is just looking at me like im a third wheel.

Im used to it though...third wheel, fifth wheel, orgy. Whatever...basically in the end im going to get the last laugh.

Moving on.

Life is rocky. 2009 is gay. My boyfriend cheated on me.

In a nutshell.

New Years was aweful. I was soberish. Peter was wasted. I found out he cheated on me twice..."Thats nice...I did it too..." way to love someone...right? Were on the rocks. Ish. I feel like Im in love with him and hes just cruising along...weve talked about moving in...he wants to...for relationship reasons...not just to get out from his parents place. But thats a hueg huge huge step. Gigantismo. Ive done it once before...for all the wrong reasons and I just dont want to fuck up a good thing (any more so than i already have) I think were doing a little better now? But with the Inauguration and shit going down hes really busy with work...I honestly havent seen him for weeks. Its killing me. Its so hard to be in love with someone and not see them. Im a mess emotinally right now. And the fact that an old flame just randomly pops back up at this point in time is NOT helping.

...and im still looking for a job. Ive had a trial at two places..one a spa, one a salon. Lets be honest...the spa didnt work out. They hated me. I hated them. It smelled like farts in there.

The salon was a lot better. It was something I was used to...great people, great fun. Im hoping they liked me.

So heres to 2009. May you be filled with percocet, vicodin, valium, and adderall to numb the pain! God damn 2000 fucking 9.

Are you there God?

Things are going okay. Im dealing with so much unwanted drama right now.

WHAT ELSE IS NEW

I want these fucking Christian Louboutin shoes.

When I get them...I will be burried in them

...honestly, God?

...ive been praying. ive been trying so fucking hard. what more can i fucking do?

...i cant even put into words how useless I fucking feel right now. i feel like a piece of shit on the bottom of someones shoe....being stepped on and walked all over. over. and over. i feel like fucking dying.

i cant take this anymore. im sick of this. what the fuck is wrong with me? i dont get it. i dont understand. what the fuck have i done to deserve this shit? i may be an asshole to people, i may be a racist every now and then, i may lie, i may cheat, ive stolen. but fuck.

honestly.

just fuck it.

I. WANT. TO DIE.

there really doesnt seem to be a reason as to why i should be here right now...if it wasnt for my fucking mother, grandmother and boyfriend I think i would have just killed myself a long time ago....spared everyone the fucking trouble of walking all over me and using me and throwing me away like a fucking used tampon.

WELL IM NOT A FUCKING USED TAMPON YOU FUCKING CUNTS. IM A FUCKING HUMAN, i have needs. I have feelings. I have shit I need to take care of..........do you not understand?!

i really dont even know what to do with myself anymore.

i really wish i was fucking rich so i wouldnt have all these things pilling on top of my fucking back. i can only sell so much...i can only sell myself for so long. i dont want to do porn...but as of right now its looking like the only option for fast cash.....considering I sure as hell am not going to fuck some perv for $200. or sell drugs.

i just want to cuddle with petey...so bad. i like when we cuddle. and when we fall asleep together.

i want to marry him.

i really wish someone could just tell me what was wrong with me.

the song Goodnight, Travel Well by the Killers is what im currently listening to...on repeat. its a depressing song. atleast the music is sad. not the lyrics? it might have brought on this blog....or maybe im just a fucked up person.....who cares anyways.